I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
