Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
