That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
