ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
