he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
