Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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