So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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