doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
