Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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