he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
