Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Randomize
