I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize