Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize