My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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