all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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