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I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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