He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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