I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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