My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
