my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
