I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
