My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You ever have a fart follow you around?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
