i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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