Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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