i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
