i wish my penis had a tongue
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
