dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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