It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
is that a dick in a sweater?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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