so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
