we're blogging at a bar
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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