I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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