i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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