i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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