I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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