i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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