Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
