So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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