It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize