You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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