i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
