i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
