I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
