she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Found the puke drawer
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize