Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
