My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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