And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
