you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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