Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize