just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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