Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
