You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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