looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
a search helicopter?!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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