I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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