The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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