apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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