Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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