dude i'm inner monologue high
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
