He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
