She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
