M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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